So last night was my beau’s
birthday. We had a pretty good day together after I got home from work and we
went to his parent’s house to have dinner. It was a good visit with his family
and he and I had some awesome exchange on the way home and that evening. It’s so strange how I worry about how certain
conversations would go with him, and always to my surprise, we have a totally
normal, rational, in-depth conversation with each other. I feel like after
talking with him last night I know him so much better than I did before and I
love him much more than before. We had the so-called dreaded “Ex Talk.” Where
we were both talking about other relationships that we’d had, usually this
conversation has been a big red flag in all my previous relationships where the
other person questions my judgment or I magically appear as damaged goods to
the one I’m seeing; or any other catastrophe imaginable. Much to my surprise everything
went really well. He didn’t judge me and I didn’t judge him. It was a normal,
adult, pleasant dialogue. It was a very
meaningful conversation and I feel like after the visit with his parents and
the conversation that followed I know him much better than I did before.
I also accidentally bonded with his step-dad.
He’s really big into photographing bands at concerts so I have been trying to
geek out about it with him, but he’s very stand-offish. Up until yesterday
evening I could count on one hand the number of words we had exchanged in the
three years the beau and I have lived together. It felt great to be able to connect
with him, and by talking with him I understand my beau so much better than I
had before. Just knowing what kind of person he is and how he had to grow up
with his step-dad, his mom, his mom’s family and the drama with his bio dad. I feel
like I’m part of his family, finally. It’s a great feeling. Even among my own
family I feel judged and like I’m not living up to their standards, or that I
don’t belong, but around the beau’s family, with as many issues as I do have
with them, being judged or feeling like I don’t belong is NOT one of those
feelings. Even though he says he’s not ready for marriage, I cannot wait to be
a “Mrs.” and be a part of his family legally.
In all my previous relationships
the “Ex Talk” was always something to be avoided. I guess I avoided it with the
beau for three years, but it honestly was never an issue I was curious about
until the conversation started going last night. That was just one of many examples
of my learning how to be treated like a proper person. I had all these
anxieties about disclosing some of the abuse and bullshit I’ve been through
over the years, but he reacted like a completely normal person and I feel like
I’ve got him in my corner now. I know that he’ll be there and support me no
matter what, and that no matter how much of “the crazies” I give him, he
understands and just wants me to be as happy as I can be. I knew he loved me
before, but I feel like this conversation solidified that for me. Every day he
surprises me with his kindness and his spirit. I wish I could bottle that
feeling for a rainy day.
